( Beep )
Laura ?
Yeah ?
Do you have any Of those sticky notes ?
You know, those yellow things That i rely so heavily on ?
Uh, no.
You know, Those little things
That i have nicknamed "My reason for living" ?
I don't think There are any left.
I ordered a case of them Two weeks ago,
And i know i can't go Through a case in two weeks,
As much as i love 'em.
You sure there's nothing Out there ?
What about legal pads ?
Uh, no.
Really, we're Down to nothing.
Well, just bring a box of Pens and we'll call it quits.
Would you Do that for me ?
What is with you ?
I just need-- all my Supplies are dwindling here.
You know ?
Do you want me To order some more ?
'Cause if you do, Just say it.
Well, order them, or if You wanna swing by your place
And bring them back, No questions asked,
You could do That also, you know ?
What are you saying ?
I'm not saying anything.
I'm just saying whatever's More convenient for you.
You could order them or--
Are you accusing me Of stealing office supplies ?
No, no, no, in fact, i was Suggesting sometimes i myself
Will pack up stuff in A hurry, you know,
And bring things home that Really belong in the office,
And i'm sure that you do The same, you know.
Or not.
Dad, what a surprise.
Ben.
You're home early, huh ?
Well, you know, i left My clipboard in the kitchen.
Hey, what's the chance you Run up and grab it for me ?
Not a good idea, dad.
I'm meeting someone here In about five minutes,
And i don't Wanna miss them.
I didn't realize that You had a meeting.
I can't miss them, so you'll Have to grab that yourself.
Who are you meeting ?
I'm meeting A lady friend.
Someone i know ?
No, no, not really.
Well, don't Torture me, ben.
Who is the lucky gal-- Tell me, please.
It's the new tenant From downstairs.
You remember We saw her moving in ?
Last week ?
You remember, We almost helped.
Right, with the very large-- Can't help but notice--
Didn't really notice, dad.
I don't---
Well, she is a stunning Young lady, ben.
I have to Say that for you.
You work fast, Good for you.
Yeah, you gotta seize The moment, you know.
Well, that's the truth.
If you wanna be a man, You gotta take a stand.
Tell me about it-- How'd you meet her ?
Technically, this is gonna Be our first real meeting
In a few minutes.
What do you mean ?
So i should really sort of be Alone here, gather my thoughts,
Go over my notes, Limber up.
Probably you should excuse Yourself and head off to work.
You have a job.
Wasn't that her ?
Oh, great, Thanks a lot, dad.
So that must have been A little disappointing,
The first meeting.
Well, actually, i thought It sorta went well.
I mean, i guess you didn't Really clash on any issues.
Maybe it was better that I didn't talk right off.
Can't hurt.
Although i think you sort of Cramped my style a little bit.
You were kinda All over me.
You're gonna have To let this thing evolve.
You were coming up too Close on me.
You're gonna have to let this Thing run its own course, ben.
You can't sort of force The issue, you know ?
You're a Healthy young man.
You know, there's always still When she comes home from work.
I'll be here.
What, you mean You're gonna come back ?
No, i'm gonna wait here.
Ben, you seem to have her Schedule down pretty tight.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, i've been just Keeping tabs on her
Over the course of the last Week, since she's moved in--
Just looking out For her interests ?
Well, not as much Her interests,
But when she leaves, when She comes back, what she does,
Her likes, her dislikes, what Kind of food she orders.
They're gonna Lock you up, ben.
What ?
They're gonna lock you up In a cell for life.
Come on, dad.
You gotta back off.
You gotta give Her some space.
What a racket.
This is a racket, This is a racket.
You are Capitalizing on--
You know what this business Is all about ?
Capitalizing on People's problems.
"Oh boy, let's hope he's Got some new problems !"
You said it.
Yeah.
"I can hear cash."
"Problems from heaven," that Should be the shrink's song.
Not pennies-- problems.
And he should change His name to dr. Cash.
Oh, that's funny.
( Sighing )
I saw something Today that bothered me.
Maybe you can help Me with it.
I don't mind people who Park in the handicapped space.
There's always gonna be People who do that.
They shouldn't do That, we know that.
You can make a mistake, Maybe you don't see it.
But here's What bothers me:
Handicapped people park In a regular spot.
I saw it.
It bothered me.
Did you say anything ?
No, no, I just can't confront.
I have trouble.
Why is it that my voice Goes up sometimes ?
Can you help Me with that ?
It gets very high, and i Don't know what that means.
Well, i think-- Are your pants tight ?
Let me check.
Just let 'em out A notch.
Sit back, let 'Em out a notch.
They are tight.
Let me just-- There we go.
That's a lot better there.
Take a deep breath.
( Breathing )
There you go.
How does my ass look ?
I'm going-- actually, Honest to god,
I'm going For a colon exam.
Have you had this Procedure before ?
No, i haven't.
Can i recommend something ?
Yeah.
Have it done Professionally.
You know, that is Not a bad idea,
Because i was A little hesitant at first.
7:30 on a saturday night Sounds like an odd time.
That's all i'm saying.
So how's it been going ?
I'm making progress.
Actually, yesterday, When i was jogging--
When she was Jogging, i bumped her.
You wanna wash Or dry, ben ?
We can do that While we're talking.
You wanna wash or dry ?
You do both.
Ben !
Dry, dry.
Please don't try and nail Me down right now, dad.
I mean, i need--
Come on.
I'll dry.
Okay, so the other day You're jogging.
Yeah, and I bumped into her.
I mean, i just really Bumped into her.
She fell over, and she said, "Watch where you're going."
That's a good sign, Because she's concerned.
Oh, you think she was giving You some advice ?
Yeah, i didn't Say anything back.
I couldn't think Of anything.
Yeah.
And i didn't help her up, She got up on her own.
Well, you don't wanna Get involved with a woman
Who's gonna depend on you For every little thing.
Am i right ?
I think that's true.
I mean, you gotta give 'Em their independence.
If you do knock her Down again, though, ben--
I think you win.
I don't know how the game goes, But i think two knockdowns.
Three.
Oh, is it three ? I'm sorry.
Laura !
Laura, you should Be a little happier.
You know, i don't know-- What's your problem ?
You have a slight swelling Of the attitudinal glands.
Could you please take a seat Until i call your name ?
Oh, right !
Like i'm gonna Take orders from you ?
I don't think so.
You have a major problem here, And you need a makeover, honey.
And that's why You're crabbing out.
I'm gonna fix you up.
Look at this bustier, Look at me.
Oh-- don't you Love this look ?
Well, you know, Laura is laura, you know.
I keep seeing this look on Her face, like she's so bored
And she's So cute, you know.
She's just tired Of everything.
And so why does She even get out of bed ?
I'm not sure, really, You know, she's--
I don't wanna Talk about her.
I wanna talk about you.
I was just trying To help you with her.
I know that, I appreciate that.
I think your feelings about her Are much stronger than mine.
But my feelings about everything Are stronger than yours, doctor.
Let's face it.
Yes, you're Constantly wavering.
Why can't you be definite ?
You're always like, "well, Maybe that's okay, judy."
You're a sensitive And caring nurturer !
Thanks.
I feel that a lot of your anger Is totally misdirected.
Really-- where Should it go ?
Well, that's what We have to find out.
We have to explore A little bit.
We have to Send out a probe.
But i didn't even think I was angry.
I'm angry ?
I think so, judy.
I think you Have a lot of anger.
I thought that was Called personality.
Excuse me.
Hello, that's why i wasn't Allowed in a sorority.
I don't know.
You know, it's like i always Had to take care of my brothers
When i was a kid, you know.
And i had to baby-sit My younger brother, bosco.
All my brothers Are named bosco.
And the oldest One is bosco-dan,
And then my brother, Bosco-bill--
One day, he Burned down the house.
And i said, "bosco-bill, Why did you burn the house ?"
And he goes, "It was laughing at me."
I said, "hello, it was Laughing with you."
Sure.
I don't know.
It seems to me like it can't Really have a happy ending.
You know what i mean ?
Really ?
I mean, what's the best Thing that'll happen
Is she'll Have him arrested.
That's the best ?
Oh, come on.
It sounds pretty harmless To me, really.
It's sort of, You know, cute.
It's cute if they Were in school
And he was admiring Her from a distance,
But when you're 24, And you're admiring somebody
With very high-powered Binoculars,
From a distance, It's just different.
Well, he's shy.
It's just technologically Different.
Excuse me ?
It's just technologically Different.
I think you're Being a little critical.
Well, you know, he's Always had a hard time
Approaching women that He's been attracted to.
But i don't feel like-- I think, if anything,
He's putting a distance Between him and this woman.
He's making her into sort of An object of desire.
objet desir.
Yeah.
That's french.
Is she french ?
Uh, no.
You know, I don't like--
I was once with this woman, And she talked in bed
To the point Where i had to say,
"Hang up the phone and pay A little attention to me."
That hurt.
But otherwise i think I'm good in bed.
I never fall out.
I have guardrails, I have a hospital bed.
You're drawn To older women ?
I have found many, many Interesting things
From older women.
I learn from Older women.
Did you know that Social security checks
Come on wednesday ?
I never knew that.
And you can always tell How old a woman is
By what they yell When they're, you know--
This woman yelled, "I like ike."
And you go, "oh my god, Oh my god, how old are you ?"
But the last time i had sex, It went fine, you know.
Who won ?
I guess it Was a draw, in a way,
Because we ended up Having an argument
Over who was the most Disappointed, and i took off.
Now, gary, is it important When you make love
That you and your Partner finish together ?
And by partner you mean The other person ?
Yeah, i'm talking About the other person.
Right, 'cause sometimes There's another person.
But is that an issue for you, Gary, the simultaneous--
Well, i think It's more important
To really start together Than end together.
That's always Been my feeling.
As long as you start at The same time--
There's nothing more Embarrassing than
Starting ahead of Your partner, as you call it.
I don't know, It's difficult to be--
It's not A monogamous world,
But i'm so frightened Of disease,
It's to the point where I won't have sex with someone
Unless they say, You know, "okay."
Good for you.
Yeah, well, you gotta Draw the line somewhere.
This quality that you're Describing to me
Is not a bad thing.
This sense Of loyalty.
I mean, i think i've always Been loyal in any relationship.
Even when i go out With my mother,
I don't look At other moms.
I don't think, "Hey, what does
Her macaroni And cheese taste like ?"
When i'm out with a woman, I am with that woman.
Even with my pets.
With my dog, I, you know--
I go to a friend's house And play with their dog.
My biggest fear in life Is that i would come home
With dog hair All over me,
And my dog would say, "Where the hell have you been ?"
And i say, "hey, all i did Was throw him the ball.
I swear !"
Okay, you got kicked out Of catholic school.
Tell me again what exactly Happened with you and the nun.
I gave her a shaving Mug for father's day.
Big mistake, big mistake.
She would Always penalize me.
She sent me To geography.
I hated geography-- Don't you, didn't you ?
Didn't you hate Geography class ?
I had a hard time With that.
You know why ?
Because it's Just like history,
Except without people And dates, okay ?
It's redundant.
Okay, so anyway, She sends me to geography.
We had this really senile Teacher, mrs. Handbag.
She's-- "judy, You don't scare me.
I got a little girl at Home just like you."
I said, "Please, come on--
My dad couldn't have been That drunk."
You gotta know How to talk to people.
That's what i'm learning.
You know, doctor, you gotta Know how to make friends.
Am i wrong ?
No, you're Absolutely right.
But what i've learned is: Friends are just enemies
Who don't have the guts To kill you.
I'm learning this.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Maybe i should Just confront her.
Is that crazy ?
Stanley, just say, "I know what you're up to
And it's gotta stop ?"
I have a feeling that She would be relieved
If she just came clean,
And then we could Sort of get on with--
I don't understand-- What is the big deal ?
She has some of this Stuff at home ?
The big deal is that i spend About $200 every third month
On office supplies, And essentially--
I got an order two weeks ago, And everything is gone.
It's not like She's stealing.
Well, the stuff leaves, You know.
It leaves with her.
Yeah, but That's not stealing.
Well, what is It then, stan ?
You have it at home.
You work in an office, You have some at home.
Everybody does.
You're saying That's stealing ?
I don't know why you're Defending her.
'Cause it's Not stealing !
Julie, am i crazy ?
Don't you think that she Needs to come clean at least ?
You know, i'm not--
It's upsetting to me, hearing You guys talk about this,
Because this happened To me once.
But i was on The other end of it.
I knew you were a crook.
When i first met you-- "Slippery fingers julie."
Come on, seriously.
Once i was working in this place And they accused me of stealing,
And it was awful, because It didn't seem like--
There was nothing that I could say to convince them.
Once you get this into your Mind, that she's done this--
And i don't know if she's Done it or not--
It's like it won't Matter what she says.
Burden of proof.
Well, i haven't accused Her of anything.
Well, it sounds Like you're pretty--
You know, she's the only one That has access to the office
Besides me and The cleaning service.
That's it.
You have A cleaning service ?
Yes, i've been using "Finders keepers."
I hate to see You moping around, ben.
I just wish she'd--
You look so defeated, You know.
I wish she'd just Been more diplomatic,
Let me down more gently.
What exactly Did she say ?
She said, "hey, fat, fatty."
I guess she didn't Understand you, ben.
She misconstrued The stalking.
Yeah.
You'd think you could take it In a good light, but you can't.
Well, she never really saw You in a good light.
It's just so hard to meet Women nowadays, you know ?
In this day and age ?
Well, you might have To leave the building.
Yeah, you'd think.
You know ?
Yeah, you know, Like, your left hand--
Just think of that as All your enemies.
And you keep pressing Really hard, and, you know,
It's like, "hey, pigs !"
And the right hand are people That you kind of love.
Oh, wait, i goofed It up, doctor !
Oh, wait.
I can see--
Hey !
Let's do this-- Let's put this away
And we'll do it A little later.
Judy, can you--
That's good, Excellent.
Let me ask you some more About your family,
While we're On the subject.
Can i do that ?
First of all, Is your dad still alive ?
My father passed away.
A long time ago ?
You know, this is when i feel That you do not listen to me.
Do you remember About five years ago
I was sobbing uncontrollably, Session after session,
For, i believe, Six months ?
Do you remember that ?
That is because My father died.
And it upset me.
Oh my god, you don't even Remember that my father died.
I'm sorry.
That's something that-- That's my fault.
But tell me About your father.
My father was a wonderful man Who used to mow the lawn.
We lived in a Residential community.
Just had a regular little ranch House on a little backyard,
Maybe 10 square feet of grass,
But my dad had one of those Lawn mowers you'd just sit on.
You know, and it was 10 square feet of grass,
But he had one of Those lawn mowers,
And every saturday He'd come in and go,
"It's harvest season, son !"
My dad used To get carried away.
You miss him, Don't you ?
I don't think It matters to you.
You didn't remember That he passed away.
It's coming back now.
And it's the issue Of just talking faster.
I have to be honest With you.
I-- as long as I've been coming here--
You have really helped me, Don't get me wrong.
I guess i would Just ask you to talk--
I think we could get More accomplished
In a shorter period of Time if you talked faster.
You want me to pick up The pace ?
That would be great.
I can do that, i don't Think that's the problem.
I think that i, um--
I think it's Those gaps there.
It's not that i'm Struggling to speak.
I'm making A careful response,
And i'm trying-- I'm trying to--
Trying to find out what it Is that you're saying to me.
It just seems to have Stretched the therapy out
To something that is costing Me a lot of money now.
I'm not trying to Prolong your treatment.
I'm just trying to Give you... Help.
( Piano music )
I'm just saying, in this time We've already been talking--
Whoops, you know What the music means.
Well, you know, i--
Whoop !